February 2012
9 posts
I’m beginning to learn that I can’t win every day.
“Because you speak to me with words and I look at you with feelings.”
This accurately describes my current predicament.
3 tags
I’m alone. I have been alone for a very long time. I can continue to be alone indefinitely. I am strong, I am capable. I can do this. My happiness does not depend on the decisions of other people. I am my own person. I will hold my own.
2/12/12
It’s 4 AM. I feel like shit. I took 7 shots of Malibu and 1 shot of Bacardi. I thought I could drink my sorrows away tonight, but apparently I can’t. When you start off feeling like shit, you end up feeling like shit, despite the momentary phases of contentment in between. I find myself under the wrong impression on the daily. Every time I think I’ve figured something out, in no...
I feel alone and I feel scared. I don’t want to be here anymore. Things are changing and I don’t think I’m being factored into any of it. I want to go home. I hate how alone I feel. I hate how much I need everyone, but nobody needs me.
Don’t you see what’s happening here? I’ll never be anyone’s favorite. Nobody ever needs me more than I need them. Nobody laughs at everything I say. I’m not funny. I’m not cute. I’m not nice. I’m unpleasant. I’m brutally honest. I say mean things. I’m judgmental and impatient. This is who I am and nobody will love me for it.
2/7/12
Woke up with 10 1/2 hours of sleep under my belt. I curled my hair the night before and it looked like shit this morning. Stupidest decision ever. I shouldn’t have curled it at all, it was raining for half of the day. Went to lunch with Veronica, Laryl, Frank and Arthur. I went for my very last psych study today. The computer froze before I could play Cyberball, whatever that is. Part...
Nothing is going my way tonight. My brain isn’t working. Dorm internet moves at a glacial pace. My eyes are dry. The Read More button never works. My head is throbbing. My grade in Psych is unsatisfactory. My understanding of Econ is incomplete. My hair is losing it’s volume. The people living above me stomp around at all hours of the night. My nail polish is chipping. The room is...
January 2012
6 posts
You just be an illusion. Can I see through you?
I see you. I see you so well. I see past your vulgarity. I see past your sarcasm. I see past your defense mechanisms. Behind all those jokes and snide comments and anger, I see you, and I listen. I listen to everything you say in the hopes of getting just another glimpse of the person that I know you are. I pay attention. I see your sadness. I see...
I let you. And I let you because I like you. And I thought that would be enough. I thought that being a complete pushover and putting up with all your crap and listening to you talk for hours and hours would be enough but it never is. everything i have to offer is never enough for anybody.
I put myself in this situation and I fear there is no escape.
More sadness to endure, my smiles to fake, more feelings left unreciprocated.
I’m not supposed to care, but I do, I do, I do.
And that will be my greatest pitfall.
I’m constantly fucking myself over. Either I make things into a bigger deal than they really are, or I make exceptions for people who don’t really deserve them. Why do I do this to myself?
Drowning in negative energy.
December 2011
12 posts
I am not bothered by rejection. I am not bothered by indecision. I am not bothered by anger. I am not bothered by adequacy. But I am bothered by dishonesty.
This whole time I was under the impression that it was something I had done, it was the choice I made, it was the promise I made to myself. But I realized that sometimes you just aren’t good enough for someone.
I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not sane enough. I’m not funny enough. I’m not nice enough. I’m not even close to being enough.
I hang by a thread on my best days.
Forced to go downstairs. Forced to smile. Forced to laugh. Forced to converse. Forced to mask the sadness.
The adequacy paradox.
When I am enough for someone else, they are not enough for me. And when I realize that they are enough for me, I am no longer enough for them.
What am I doing?
I made a decision when I had stability of mind, but I’ve been going crazy these last few days and all I want to do is take it back. I don’t care about all the reasons I had to make that decision. All I want is to not feel like this anymore and the only way I can do that is by breaking the promise I made to myself. I made the decision because I thought it would make me happy in the long...
I think it’s time to stop working towards a future that will never exist.
I will make you irrelevant to my life.
I’m not stupid. But I guess I’m not that smart either.
Accept your lonliness
You are your only friend
3 tags
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
And don’t I fucking know it.