Resignation: The only thing I deserve to feel.
Sitting here, wishing I wasn’t a bad person. I’ve tried, I really have. But the worst in me always finds its way out. I wish I actually was an honest person. I’m all talk and no action. When it comes down to it, I don’t ever say what I’m really feeling. I can’t own up to things. I’m such a fuck up. Why can’t I ever just say what I’m really thinking? Why can’t I think nice things? Why can’t I just be a good person?
I’m a mess and I haven’t given myself the time to accept it. For the last few weeks, I’ve let all of my sadness burn into resentment and anger. It’s so much easier to feel resentment than it is to feel sadness. It is so much easier than trying to be happy. I’m afraid of the day I crash. The day when I realize that no amount of any other negative feeling will replace the despair I feel on even my best days. The bipolarity that runs in my family seems to apply so much more to me now. I’m currently at a high. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. And even though it’s here, it will end.
I think I’ve finally figured out why I’ve been so angry at you lately. It’s not just that you don’t care, it’s not that you don’t make time for me, it’s not just that you don’t listen to what I say. It’s all of those things, along with the fact that you have come to expect me to care, while I have come to expect you not to. I listen to everything you have to say, I never cut you off mid-thought to say something about my own life, I never act like I don’t care. You, on the other hand, make no attempt to hide your lack of interest in my life. You only talk to me when it suits you. Whenever you need someone to tell your sick murder fantasies to or to comment on the size of some girls tits. I have listened to it all while you only listen to about 25% of what I have to say. I’m not saying that I’m not going to listen to you anymore, but if you wanted to know why I’ve been so easy to piss off, this is why.
And there will come a time, you’ll see. With no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Something’s wrong when you regret things that haven’t happened yet.
I’m sad and I’m hopeless and I’ve been watching my life get progressively worse for the last few years. I just want it to stop and I just want to have things go my way for once. I just want someone to care. I just want somebody to ask me how I am doing and actually mean it. I need someone to be here for me and I need that person to not be 400 miles away or in a different state. I have been so alone for so long and I’m tired of having to pick myself back up, just once I want someone else to do it because I won’t be able to for much longer.
(Source: imgfave, via mattmartinmiller)
